I must admit that I've never taken to mass marketing (part of the reason for such a late publicity push - well, that and the enduring presence of Sheila Who Must) but, clearly, a media onslaught was necessary. I took to the internet to hunt down tips and tricks. A direct response (i.e. inducement to divert one's path from its current direction) - I was informed - is best lured by a direct approach. So, taking to the streets had to be one part of our strategic marketing plan. But believe me this was not as immediate a solution as it might seem in the reading - if you've heard the joke that a camel is a horse designed by committee then you'll know what I mean.
The most media savvy among my troupe - notably Heavenly, Butcher's Dog and Effervescent - joined by several new stars in our midst, my neighbour Vicky the Vanquisher, two stalwart friends S&M (truthfully, those are their initials) and Newsworthy Nick from across the way - know what's what and congregated to discuss our meagre footfall. Every sales tactic known to man, woman and dog was deliberated ... at length.
The theme for most of the debate was 'Attracting Press Attention'. Quite quickly we discerned that the local newspapers were displaying signs of ennui with local arts and crafts. So, what would distinguish our Artists Open House from the rest and persuade the press to embark on a story? Suggestions were thick on the ground - but most settled uncomfortably around me and my family.
Butcher's Dog knew a freelance journo willing to undertake the task of marketing my kith and kin to the masses, for a fee - but did we have any skeletons in our closet that might help secure the story? Yes, loads, but I'm not telling.
Heavenly was keen as mustard to get us noticed too - perhaps Living or Elle Decor might be interested in a feature? - watch this space. Newsworthy had contacts in local radio poised for action on the off-chance that things would kick off. Effervescent was all fired up and ready to go ... in almost any direction that we aimed her. But in the end The Vanquisher had the least ethereal and the more immediately feasible ideas.
It being rather late in the day to engage a printer, I began churning out marketing material as if my life depended on it. Effervescent was deployed to every (elite) shop, gallery, and bar (she seemed to respond particularly well to this challenge) armed with posters and flyers. Meanwhile the rest of my troupe, led by L-S Dave, began distributing leaflets - each one brandishing the all important map of how to find us (PMTs warnings did not fall on deaf ears). All in all, around one and a half thousand items were doled out to tempt neighbours in adjoining roads, towns and villages to join us.
By Friday I was feeling rather self-satisfied, secure in the knowledge that I was oh so much more worldly wise than I had been just a week earlier, and contemplated the almost inevitable stampede. But there was a niggling feeling at the back of my mind ... gradually it dawned on me that I had just invited over a thousand people to come to our house for tea and home made cakes on behalf of charity. Clearly Jean's Banana Loaf, a generous offering from another of our neighbours, was not going to go around.
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